I would even buy you some cardboard fruit!

2003-02-23T16:41:00.000-05:00

Friday I called my friend Sotia. Apparently she had told her parents she was at my house. She wasn't, obviously.

luvTonney4life: Dylan! gosh. u bout messed up my Friday night
siNclaiRleWissS: if i had known that you were "at" my house, i would not have called in the first place.
siNclaiRleWissS: you know i didn't do it on purpose.
luvTonney4life signed off at 4:00:38 PM.

Isn't it just wonderful that my friends are only at my house when they're not? That is a strange sentence, and I know it. It just pisses me off that none of my friends ever try to include me in their plans. It's not that I'd likely be given permission by my dad to go anywhere or have anyone over, but still I'd like to be asked.

Yesterday I wrote a poem. I'd like feedback:

(untitled)
incessant drumming of rain
the pulse of the ocean
the ocean of emptiness
ocean enclosed
ocean of souls
souls joined yet seperated
in these encasements of flesh
in this ocean, there's no ledge to stand on
and no way out of the hopelessness
so i put on these rose-colored glasses
and pretend away the pain, but
who am i really saving?
myself?
or anyone else who might
feel empathy at my despair?
i can't afford to blindfold myself anymore
i've done too much of that
and now my eyes are weary
and my head aches, but
i've got to take the time
to learn why
every time it storms i want to cry

2003-02-22T17:18:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had a scholarship interview at Winston Salem State University. I think that went really well, because the interviewers seemed to really get into talking to me. I heard other people saying the interviewers didn't seem all that interested in them. So I take that as good. Yeah!

Last night I got into an argument with my dad. He said, "If worse comes to worse with money, you can be a day student." I told him I would probably snap if I did that because nothing would change and because of him, I would still never get to hang out with my friends. He took it the wrong way and thought I was pissed at him for worrying about my car and this and that. No. I'm pissed off that he makes me so uncomfortable when I try to plan something with a friend. I'm pissed off that I can't have friends over without a month in advance planning. Most people don't plan things out in such detail. I even tried explaining it to him calmly for once. I didn't yell at all. Still he didn't get it. I doubt he ever will.

Today I've been reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower which I really like. I've been hearing good stuff about it for almost two years and I finally saw it at the library on Wednesday. I like it even more than I'd anticipated.

2003-02-19T20:10:00.000-05:00

Obviously this poem is to Kurt Cobain, though it's a day early for his birthday.

the beauty and empathy
are what keep the words in their significance
but the masses of your fans
have forgotten if indeed they knew
the true reach and scope of it all
i can't say i feel as empty
as once i did
i know you're there in the voice
in the songs
your soul's been bought so
i can't say i feel your soul now
but i know the truth in the lies
the truth in the vagueness
intricately vague, calculated insanity
i still need the release

2003-02-18T17:44:00.000-05:00

Well, I did get out of the house today, even if it was just to the grocery store. When I was a kid, I loved going to the store. I remember being scared of Mr. Curry at the Winn-Dixie. I remember Ingles before it closed, reopened, and closed again. It was cool then, they had good magazines. I got Circus magazine there before I started subscribing. Why don't grocery stores here have good magazines anymore? Is the market gone? I don't know, I mean you find such cool stuff at Goodwill and whatnot as far as music goes.

I've been frantically searching for an Ani DiFranco song to explain my thoughts to me. Her lyrics are usually good for that. I can't find a song though, not this time.

I need to do a lot of homework tonight, because we have school on a two hour delay. It was cancelled today and yesterday. I almost wish it were cancelled tomorrow, even though I'm also getting fed up with graduation being postponed. I don't want to go back. I need it to be over now. A few weeks ago, I was really upset one day in art class and I suddenly said, "I need to graduate, right this minute." Why does time move so slow? I'm anxious, too anxious.

I think I'm getting a headache again. I get them too often. My cold's getting much better, though. My mom got me some cough drops that actually work.

2003-02-17T18:02:00.000-05:00

I am such an idiot.. really I am. *kicks self again*

iEATstarDUST (5:47:39 PM): i think i'm doomed to sitting around, doing nothing and never being happy... all because fear has consumed me.
NextDay878 (5:47:51 PM): :-(
NextDay878 (5:48:08 PM): maybe you just can't force some things.
NextDay878 (5:48:30 PM): like, you'll get the courage when you get it, and don't try to force yourself to work it up
NextDay878 (5:48:39 PM): cuz it's making you all twitterpated.
iEATstarDUST (5:48:55 PM): i'm not trying to force courage, i'm dismaying at the fact that i never have it.
iEATstarDUST (5:48:59 PM): about anything at all.
NextDay878 (5:49:16 PM): hmm.
iEATstarDUST (5:49:42 PM): but the current situation, yes, adds to the frustration at self.
iEATstarDUST (5:50:25 PM): one of my friends tried to pep talk me, you know to tell him. she asked me what i had to lose, and could i think of a reason why he wouldn't like me back.
iEATstarDUST (5:50:41 PM): i didn't know, and i couldn't... but still nothing came of it.
NextDay878 (5:50:45 PM): maybe work your way up to asking?
iEATstarDUST (5:50:52 PM): how so?
NextDay878 (5:51:19 PM): just make some small talk, try to get more comfortable around him?
NextDay878 (5:51:22 PM): maybe?
iEATstarDUST (5:51:26 PM): i am comfortable.
NextDay878 (5:51:35 PM): ok
iEATstarDUST (5:51:40 PM): never am i more comfortable than when i'm talking to him.
iEATstarDUST (5:51:45 PM): that's not the point.
NextDay878 (5:51:48 PM): [am throwing ideas out hoping one sticks]
NextDay878 (5:51:49 PM): heh
iEATstarDUST (5:51:54 PM): it's really hard online.
iEATstarDUST (5:52:00 PM): to tell people what you feel.
iEATstarDUST (5:52:34 PM): because when it's out loud, at least once you start, they know you've said something.. but in type you can so easily erase it, and no alt+tab alt+s will help.
NextDay878 (5:53:15 PM): yeah
NextDay878 (5:53:16 PM): :-\
iEATstarDUST (5:53:45 PM): i feed myself the most bullshit reasons not to do stuff.

2003-02-17T10:42:00.000-05:00

My feet are so cold, and that's how I feel inside right now. I'm fucking lonely, and I'm sick of it. I don't like to whine about shit like this, but damnit, I just want somebody to feel for me what I feel for them. It probably doesn't help that I'm so damn shy when it comes to actually telling my crushes I like them. How will I ever find anyone if I can't bring myself to make the fucking effort? Damnit! Damnit! I don't even know what I feel half the time. I hold everything in until I explode and then I just rant. Rant. Rant. Rant. There's someone I really like a lot, and then there's someone at school who I kind of like but I think that crush will pass. The first one, though, wow, I feel something I've never felt, and I can't even tell the person I like them. I can't even do that. Ack. I'm so scared of rejection that it stops me from trying. *kicks self*

Bah, I have a headache.

2003-02-16T21:40:00.000-05:00

At some point, everyone has the experience in which a band's music changes his or her life. For my mom, this was the Beatles, and for me, this was Nirvana.

I remember the first time I heard Nirvana. I was in the fifth grade, and the song was "Come As You Are." To put it simply, the song blew my mind. I had only recently discovered alternative rock, and I felt like this band was something amazing. The lyrics, though in parts seemingly nonsensical, were moving. I felt like something I didn't even know I felt was being articulated for me, and this was magic.

Over the next few months, I heard a few more of Nirvana's songs on the radio, and eventually purchased a copy of their album, Nevermind. Nevermind was their second album, but the first to receive mainstream radio airplay. The reason I chose to buy that one was simply because I knew the most songs from it. I was even further blown away by the poem on the liner notes which was comprised of snippets of the song lyrics.

At this point, I still did not know that Kurt Cobain was already dead. I was rudely awakened to this fact in February 1996 when I purchased that month's issue of Circus magazine. Kurt was on the front cover along with a headline proclaiming: "The legacy lives on, Kurt Cobain birthday tribute." As I read the magazine, I felt increasingly that something important had been taken from me.

Kurt's lyrics had become so important to me, that to find out he was dead was like finding out a part of me was dead too. For about a year, I wrote poems about his death and about emptiness. To this day, I write a poem each year on his birthday, which is today, and dedicate it to him.

Granted, I didn't discover Nirvana until four years after they, with "Smells Like Teen Spirit," burst onto the music scene, but I still consider myself a true fan. It really bothers me to see that many people have already forgotten the impact of Nirvana's music.

Nirvana and other grunge bands did revolutionize music. The cliché is that grunge was the voice of a generation. This is true, in that all good music gives a voice to someone who did not previously have one. It is okay to express pain, fear, and even nonsensical ravings, and Nirvana provided a means and an outlet for this.

April will mark the ninth anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death. Today would have been his 36th birthday. Kurt's legend still exists and fascinates. I think it is important, if one is truly interested in Nirvana's music, to read a biography of Kurt Cobain and learn what he stood for. Forget the death, forget the drugs, and see the beauty behind the pain.

2003-02-16T21:39:00.000-05:00

I didn't get to go to the scholarship weekend after all. Why? Sleet and freezing rain. I'm sick of the weather ruining everything. Graduation has already been postponed at least a week due to missed days. At least the interview for the scholarship will be rescheduled.

I wrote a column for the town paper on Kurt Cobain which will run on his birthday. I'll post it here.

2003-02-15T13:10:00.000-05:00

*appears in the midst of a coughing fit* I woke up this morning feeling even worse than before. I have some kind of cold or sinus infection, and I'm coughing so much it's starting to hurt. I wish I had something to take for it. I called my pen pal April last night, and I could hardly talk between coughing and laughing. The laughing wasn't helping the coughing, obviously.

I've finished my portfolio which I'm going to take with me tomorrow to Salem. I've also finished scanning all the tax information for my dad to attach to the special consideration form for financial aid. It's getting to where I just want time to fast-forward to this fall, so I can already be at college. I'm certainly sufficiently sick of high school.

I'm going to write some letters today, so that I won't be so damn behind on my mail.

Every time my dad comes in here, I always feel that I should hide whatever I'm doing online. I don't know why, because nothing I'm doing is "bad." He just misinterprets everything, so I'd rather not give him the opportunity. He gets so angry when I turn around and ask him what he's looking for. He clenches his fists and snarls, "I'm sick of this shit." Well, I'm sick of it, too.

Okay, I'm done. *cough*cough*cough*

2003-02-14T19:18:00.000-05:00

I'm going to a scholarship weekend at Salem College on Sunday. Salem is my first choice, but I need the scholarship to be able to afford it. I'm getting frustrated and impatient. I'm so tired of this process of making portfolios.

I'm supposed to dress up for my Winston-Salem State University scholarship interview on February 21. I'm wearing a white blouse and black pants. That's as far as I go. Dressing up bothers me. I don't understand the point behind it. People say, "Don't you want to make a good impression?" Yes, I do, but I want to make that impression through what I say and do, not an appearance that I present.

I took a test in Spanish 3 today that I actually think I did well on. I need a good grade on something in there. I'm not happy with a 76 in any class, but especially not Spanish. I love languages.

I need to get a copy of The Martian Chronicles by Ray Bradbury so I can begin reading it. I have to read it by March 17, which coincidentally is my birthday. That book will be the subject of my banned books research project.

Valentine's Day wasn't as depressing today as usual. I got chocolate. Sure, I got the chocolate from a friend, but chocolate is chocolate! And besides, this is the first time since elementary school that anyone besides my mom and grandma has given me candy.

2003-02-14T19:06:00.000-05:00

(untitled)
Words mean nothing
In this afterthought society of ours
Full of inane sounds and jabber
Flow-tingle-bow-tie-say
What?
Floating about, indeed
Slivers of importance
Signify-can't
Shoving it down my throat
That I can't find a way
To say what I mean
And I mean of course:
Blah, blah, blah, broken dreams
And sit on a star
No stardust involved, just darkness
For I am trapped
In my own failed plans of glory

2003-02-14T19:04:00.000-05:00

To a large extent, school encourages conformity. Society is very much the same, so the question is whether school is a symptom of our society or vice versa.

Teachers often give a list of required materials on the first day of class. A notebook is usually required, but this does not take into account the fact that some students prefer to use folders or simply put their papers inside their textbooks. The majority of students will comply, using a notebook. Granted, a notebook seems like a small matter, but this is only the beginning. Students find that they have to streamline their needs into brief five to ten minute periods called breaks. Bathroom breaks, gathering materials, and relieving hunger or thirst are all crammed into these breaks. One simply can't relax, much less think in such a rushed atmosphere.

As personal thought becomes mired in a sea of responsibilities and social obligations, one conforms to society as well. People think nature destroying SUV's are necessary, simply because of a flashy advertisement or because their neighbor drives one. People are content to work a job that deadens their soul just because that's all school prepared them for. Work earns the money to buy the necessary materials to fit in with the masses.

Again, school prepares us for this lifestyle. Students are awarded with top grades and honors for simply regurgitating information that is scarcely if ever retained. Attention spans are shortened. People become content with blurbs instead of true conversation.

Most people are incapable of connections and creativity, and those who are capable are frowned upon. Careers in these avenues don't pay proper money for these materialistic conformists to achieve contentedness.

Some would argue that conformity breeds efficiency, but think of what is lost. Further, how much are we willing to lose before we realize the consequences of conformity?